Howard Chaykin’s TV Guide from 2033

Recently I found my old Amerikan Flagg comics. Not the popular original “American Flagg,” series, but the follow-up series, deliberately misspelled with a K, that ran for a year, and which nobody likes. I have been reading through them before I throw ’em out. Since the stories themselves are rather short, each issue ends with about 6 pages of bounus content to pad it out. One issue had a six-page brochure for a trucking school, teaching people how to drive those 150-foot-tall, 600-foot-long rigs we see in the comic. Another was a sports magazine with an article about the Skokie Skulcrushers, the most popular, famous, and violent of all the illegal basketball teams of the future. The funniest one, though, was a TV guide.

Inside was the normal TV Guide fluff about celebrities and what have you, and there were two pages from a random day listing the programming. I’m going to preserve the contents here, because it’s hilarious. Remember, this was written in 1987, and in the American Flagg universe, the world went to hell in 1998, “The Year of the Dominos.”

Ok, here goes. First the ads:

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White Sluts on Dope: Desdemona’s lost her job, her boyfriend, her car, and her stash. Can she convince Rona, Fiona, and Wynona to join her as she holds up a liquor store n a pathetic attempt to gain attention and money? TONIGHT AT 9:00 ON PLEX 7

IronDick: This robot has a heart of gold. Weeknights 8:30 PM Nexus 26

Master Bedroom guest hosts Empty-V Four hours of uppercrust radiation and sonic vibration as Europe’s favorite tomplographic butler plays the muzikvids guaranteed to offend high and low society. Wednesday 6-10 PM

Blackmarket Basketball Tonight at 11

BOB VIOLENCE Saturday nights at 9:00 on Nexus Channel One

—–

And now the actual rolling log of shows:

WEDNESDAY 8:00 PM

QUSA: Preholocaust Theater – Drama, 2 hrs. “Stukas over Disneyland” (1995) Mad but loveable scientist (John Houseman) reanimates Herman Goring’s corpse (Jeff Daniels) in Tomorrowland to prove his undying love for courteous tour guide (Kirstie Ally Sheedy)

VATICAN 1: Papal Smoke – Religion/music video, 1 hr. Pope Vishnu II discusses the confession of sins from past lives, and the Swiss Guard Dancers boogaloo to “Hail Mary, Proud Mary.”

NEXUS 7: Thrift Store of Love – Comedy, 30 min. Luis (Ramon Quinlen), madly enamored of the President (Devon Wilshire), plans to sell the varicose First Lady (Pricella Foster) into off-white slavery.

NEXUS 8: Mark Thrust, Sexus Ranger – Sex Crime, 1 hr. Thrust (Reuben Flagg) goes undercover as a Love Canal host in order to stop a mad tattoo artist (Betty Sue Nguyen). Repeat.

CCCP-1: Uposcrabblenyk – Game Show, 30 min. Host Nicholas Harmolov referees championship playoff for new pair of Potemkin All Weather Work Boots.

NEXUS 22: Tommy Rocket – Existential Drama, 1 hr. Rocket (Rex Vector) wishes everyone would die so he could cruise the road alone (Part 3 of 6)

MARS II: The Exploding Nude Coed Film Festival – Purient Interest, 2 hrs. “Under the Volcano of the Ultra Vixens.” (2020)

NEXUS 32: Pet Kitchen – Cooking, 30 min. Felicia Wainwright shows how to make “Marie Provost Casserole” for your canine companion.

CCCP-8: What Fits In To Mother Russia – State Propaganda, 15 min.

NEXUS 39: Firefight All Night – Docuviolence. Continuing coverage of the Las Vegas/Mormon Church desert skirmish.

THE REMAKE CHANNEL: Movie – Drama, 2 hrs. “Dr. Erlich’s Magic Bullet.” (1995) Acclaimed docudrama of Der. Erlich (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and his discovery of penicillen. James Woods makes a delightful cameo as syphilis.

NEXUS 41: My Three Iguanas – Fetish, 30 min. While vacationing in Japan, Lord Byron, accidentally exposed to radiation, becomes huge and Terry and Penelope must convince the Tokyo Militia that Byron will not eat the city.

CAN 4: “It’s a Wonderful Life” – Kabuki, 12 hrs. Part seven of Magdalena Cho’s kabuki adaptation of Frank Capra’s holiday classic. As George (Daniel Wang) contemplates seppuku, the ghosts of his ancestors send help in the form of an angel (Shin Fukanaga)

PAL 8: Soweto Beat – Drama, 1 hr. Colonel Takata (Levi Tierney) encounters white anarchists as he searches for his childhood friend (Moosie Dryer) in the Sun City slums.

MARS III: Fasfax Net – News, 1 hr.

NEXUS 47: Dance Fever Dream – addiction, 30 min. The twins use their knowledge of aerodynamics to escape from the Danny Terio Opium Den where they have been held captive by midwest salesmen.

PLEX 61: Nuclear Family Feud – Game Show, 30 min. The Richard Aguayo family of Whitier vs. the Elaine Griswolds of Rehobeth Beach.

EURO 45: Master Bedroom – Comedy, 1 hr. Consuelo (Miriam Kowalski) suspects Leonora (Dana Denono), Roberto’s first wife, of using subliminals to milk Roberto (Alex Nagihara) for more alimony.

NEXUS 73: Vice Commandos – Sex & Sleaze, 1 hr. Ferret and Logan encounter the usual sex and sleaze.

NEXUS 85: Disguise and Dolls – Adventure, 1 hr. Premiere. Dabney Castler plays Mihail Stravinsky, a soviet espionage agent who’s love doll is posessed by the ghost of Emma Goldman (Heather Somethingorother*)

NEXUS 117: Love Junkies – Came show, 30 min. Desparate singles vie for meaningless encounters with other desparate singles.

*- It really says “Somethingorother.” Honest.

Interestingly, “Uposcrabblenyk” and “What fits into mother Russia” are both sketches from an episode of SCTV.

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