Not that I think of you very much

But I wonder whatever happened to you?

You ran off with that morbidly obese girl

And since then there’s been nothing new.

Now I’m not going to use anyone’s real name

So let’s call our ex, “Baltimore”

But she dumped you for that weird mormon guy

So she don’t belong to either of us anymore

Not that I think of her very much

But I found some old home movies yesterday

She wasn’t as hot as I remembered

But my eyes were blind to that back in the day

Ok, yeah, we weren’t offficially engaged

But she agreed we were close enough

We were absolutely positively gonna get married

Til the L.D.R. started, and things got rough

We were seven hundred miles apart

I imagine you know how hard that can be?

Obviously you must since that’s how

You took Baltimore away from me.

I don’t have any happy memories of her

I thought it’s time that you knew

‘Cuz I can’t remember her at all

Without also remembering you

Not that I think of either of you that much

But I do wonder what happened to you

You ran off with her fat best friend

There’s schedenfreude in that, it’s true.

“A woman’s voice on the radio

Can convince you you’re in love,” sang John

“A woman’s voice on the telephone

can convince you you’re alone,” and she’s gone.

Somehow I didn’t get that memo

I was terrified and deluded

that the one thing I counted on

Was so quickly pillaged and looted

She said I’d probaby like you

In a different situation, time, and place

Why do girls always say that shit?
Do they think it helps them save face?

She told me that you were broken

That I feel mercy if I only knew

So maybe you were a victim of your dad

But I was a victim of you

I spent every night on the telephone

Sometimes from dusk to morning dew

She’d sometimes lie about me having a chance

But she knew that we were through

“There is nothing so deep as the ocean,” Lyle sang
“There is nothing so high as the sky,” but I was blind

“There is nothing so frightening as a woman”

“When she’s already made up her mind.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a total loser

But I’m also much larger than life

Not to be arogant, but my shadow loomed much larger

Than some punk who wanted to fuck my wife.

You can ask anyone who knew me back then

That I was pretty overwhelming

Everyone wanted me to destroy you

Counting down til I ended your little fling

Backpfeifengesicht is what I felt

Look it up, I’m not explaining it

But I resisted the urge because I knew how she’s react

If I left you bloody and oozing shit

But time scabs over every cut

And now I wonder why you flew.

You ran off with that lonely fat girl

Not long after Baltimore dumped you

Do you even remember the one time we met?
No, I don’t expect that you do

You were clearly intimidated as we walked by the old mill

Which is exactly what I wanted from you

Do you remember how I predicted what lay down the road
And you defiantly told me I was wrong

And then every single bit of it came to pass just like I said

Boy, I hope your memories of that were strong

But probably not. You never impressed me at all

I told you that’s why she chose you, too.

I’m a loser, but I’m the three ring circus of impressive losers

And you were just a day at the zoo

You were just a pitstop, not a final destination

You swore you weren’t just a rebound

I said that I was the guy who broke her heart

You were just someone who was around

I told you that there was a hole in her heart

That was exactly the same shape as me

I told you that even if I didn’t win her back

The two of you just weren’t meant to be

In the end I was both right and wrong

Right about you, wrong about why my future would be

So even though I was a victim of you

Ultimately you were a victim of me.

It’s irritating that you likely don’t remember

How much I must have intimidated you

I never lifted a finger or raised my voice

But she later screamed at me until her face was blue

I’m not saying I’m blameless

After all, it takes three to cheat

Lost propinquity and all my empty promises

Of the world I said I’d lay at her feet

You guys shacked up and as you’ll recall

I spent two years trying to get her back

Then she dumped you for that mormon guy twice her age

Who laster longer than either of us could hack

So that’s the story of you and me and Baltimore

And how you both destroyed my life

I don’t believe things are or aren’t meant to be

But now I’m glad she never was my wife.

If you’d never showed, we’d be divorced by now

I’m not sure how I know, but I just do.

We’re both married to others, we’re both happy

Somehow I sense that’s not true of you.

(It wasn’t the mormon, it was her brother’s best friend

They’ve got two kids and a persian cat

I get a card from her on the holidays

Not much to report beyond that)

So the fat girl borrowed a bunch of money

And you split town

No one knows why you left, where you went, nor what you did

Nobody bothered to track you down.

If this account seems vindictive

I laid it out just to set the stage

It’s been twenty-five years since all this happened

And I wanted to say I’ve turned the page

I mean, I remember everything you did to me

But over twenty five years my apathy grew

To long ago make me forget the pain

So: “I honestly forgive you.”

Not that I think of you very much

But I wonder whatever happened to you?

I hope somewhere you and her found a happy ending

But somehow I suspect that isn’t true.

So the three of us were each other’s victims

Those years were one endless pitfall

But I can’t rid myself of the guilt that the poor fat girl

Might be the biggest victim of all

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